Its Been Awhile

It has been a while since I posted.  Honestly, I have been so busy I feel like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs!  And it is a great thing.  I returned to work full time.  Well actually I returned to work times 2 or 3 lol.  I took on a contract that I log in 40 hours a week and I also took on 4 side line contracts that all together take about 15 -30 hours a week.  On top of that school, and house and kids lol.  It feels normal again!

I am one of those over achiever people you hear about.  I don’t need deadlines or screaming bosses to put pressure on me I put so much there myself I am always done with a task before anyone ever has a chance to say a word.  I have gotten sick twice since my return.  In 4 weeks two major flus or colds or whatever germ that happen to float on in.  It was a pain and I have felt like utter poo BUT I did it!!  I continued to work through it and guess what?  I didn’t keel over like the doctor implied I would, and I didn’t suffer any longer than I normally do when a germ takes hold.  As a matter of fact since I had something to stay focused on the time seemed to go by faster.

I feel good this week.  I feel “normal” like before the big C me for the first time in MONTHS!  Today was a good, productive day and on top of that I spent hours with my favorite man on the planet, my son, Zachary, just playing video games and hanging out and LISTENING to what he had to say.  Before I got sick I acted the part of a listener.  But I was always thinking about something else, planning meals, budgets, worrying about money, blah blah blah.

Guess what folks, honest to GOD they are telling the truth when they say life is too short!  It is too short to worry about all that bull shit.  I listened to my son and I realized, not for the first time, how lucky I am to have been blessed with 4 amazing, bright children who are also independent and FREE thinkers.  They always think outside the box.  I think they have me to blame for that and I hope someday they realize how lucky they were to have been taught from young ages to use that gift of free will and intelligence.

Words are power.  I have felt that my entire life.  I have had them take me places I would never have gotten without my gift for articulation and I have had them destroy me when used for punishment.  I hope everyone realizes how powerful their words are whether they feel the strength or not.  Being able to articulate yourself in a way that shows you have intelligence and grace is as important as knowing how not to use words as a weapon.  They cut deeper than any knife or sword and the damage is eternal.  It never heals completely.  I have been stung and  I have done my fair share of jabbing.  One of the things I  have tried to work on since the big C was NOT falling into the old habit of striking out when I get hurt.  Most days I do okay and some days I know I owe an apology.  The best thing about post big C me is that I am not afraid to admit I was wrong and say I am sorry.  It is such a new thing to the people that know me, I wish they could understand how truly heartfelt it is.

I hope this post finds everyone doing well and having a wonderful time as we all get ready for the holiday blitz.  Thank you for reading and I hope to post again on Sunday!

 

Inspire Me To Live!

Over the last year that I have been sick, I have tried to stay motivated to fight.  After all this is the fight of my life and I am a firm believer that mind can win over body any day.  I have said throughout my illness that if I think I am sick and dying I WILL BE sick and dying!  So, I continue to say I am beating this!  I am winning!  It is working most days and by the tests it is working period.  There are still days when I am sick and weak and I just can’t seem to get out of bed without a fight.  On these days I look for inspiration to get the hell up!  To find a reason to want to be a part of the world.  Some ray of hope or light that will spur me into action.

I won’t lie some days the cheer leading and pep squad method just doesn’t work.  I am human.  I get mad.  I get sad.  I get damn right pissed!   Why is this happening to me?  Well the resounding answer I always seem to feel from that question is why not?  Why wouldn’t it be me?  Bad things happen to good undeserving people everyday, and I have tended to be stronger than most, throughout my life.  It is best that it is me.  I can handle the pain and the fear and still on most days keep my head up.

I decided to share some of the things that I look through when I am having a bad day.  The things that make me say stop crying, stop with this and get up.  Fight through this for tomorrow cause it is worth it!

Number 1:

My grandson and my family.  Relationships have been strained and sometimes really tough but through it all the thought of my children and this little guy keep me movin’.  In the end it will show that my love for them was as tough as I have always said.  It will be what brings me through this.  I am not in a place with any of them to leave.  I have so many things to say and to do.  Those things will come.  There are several friends I include here as well… My friends are the family I have CHOSEN. 🙂

2.  My Work

The love I have for what I am doing and the hard work I have put into getting educated and able to do what I love keeps me motivated to stay around.  On a bad day I create something.  That always makes me smile :).

3. Nature

Most of the times just watching the leaves blow in the breeze is inspirational to me.  I feel so much from this earth. The power and the beauty are an amazing force.

4. Music

Music has always been a huge love of my life.  All kinds of music.  It makes me smile and my heart feel lighter.  I always have music around me.

Four simple things..I bet a million people take these things for granted every day. I don’t any longer.  Cancer has been a hell I will not even try to sugar coat it, but it has also been a life saver.  Can you believe that?  It has made me see what I want in life, what is worth the trouble and the turmoil and what is just so trivial it doesn’t deserve a second thought.  I know I live a different life now.  I live my life as if there is no tomorrow and although it sounds cliche, we are not promised tomorrow.  No one is…. Don’t let the time slip away.  Don’t leave things unsaid. and above all be happy.  What is life worth if you aren’t living it happy???